A quick reminder of what “totally safe” Chicago looked like this year:
• River North drive-by (July):
4 killed, 14 wounded outside a club.
Because nothing says “nightlife” like random high-speed target practice.
• Lifeguard Gone Rogue (June):
A lifeguard — yes, the “don’t let kids die” guy — shot two teens walking home from the pool.
One died.
The job description and the job performance were not on speaking terms.
• Blue Line Human Torch Attack (Nov):
A woman was set on fire on the train by a repeat offender who should've been locked up sometime around the Bush administration.
Officials called it “terrorism.”
Chicagoans call it “Monday.”
• Labor Day Weekend Special (Aug/Sept):
58 shot, 8 killed across 37 incidents.
The official city motto that weekend: “At least the weather was nice.”
• Random July Weekend:
32 shot, 6 killed.
Five murders in three hours — the kind of efficiency you never see in city services.
And after all that, we still get told:
“Relax, crime is down.”
Sure. And if you jump off a building, technically you’re going down too.
People aren’t moving out because they’re confused.
They’re moving out because they’re paying top-shelf prices to live in a real-life crime documentary.