"Some of our men suggested napalm."
Ashdod, October 22 - Naval officials acknowledged difficulties today in readying for repurposing the various boats they had impounded from activists who tried to breach the blockade of Islamist terrorists in the Gaza Strip, noting that no crew or new operator would consent to board, let alone use, the vessels, as long as the noisome stenches left behind by those activists remained.
Israel intercepted numerous small craft and a handful of larger ones over the last several weeks, as propagandists and self-aggrandizers sought attention for their performative humanitarianism in service of the Palestine Omnicause; Israeli forces detained and deported the activists. On board, the naval personnel found nothing in the way of actual food or medicine that the flotillas purported to deliver to Gaza, but they did find piles of trash, unexplained stains, rotting leftovers, puddles of pee, burn marks from cigarettes and joints, and numerous other residue and detritus - as well as the overwhelming stenches associated with those substances. Seamen and support personnel have so far failed to expunge the horrible odors from the decks, floors, walls, and fixtures, putting a damper on plans to sell the craft, donate them, or designate them for naval use.
"We still can't board any of the boats without wishing we'd brought gas masks," disclosed Admiral Tzahan Zmorah. "It's unbearable - a toxic mix of feces, urine, marijuana smoke, decomposing food, and mildew. People who live in certain parts of San Francisco or Manhattan will recognize that blend, but the bouquet also features notes of stale spirits, essential oils, and microwaved fish."
"The toilets are the worst," he observed. "The activists each seemed to think it was someone else's job to clean up after them, which, if I'm not mistaken, reflects their upbringings and lifestyles when not on board a selfie flotilla. Some of our men suggested that napalm provides the only solution to those sections of the vessels. The galleys, much the same. We are still weighing our disposition options."
The Israeli Navy now finds itself forced to consider alternatives to the repurposing of the dozens of vessels it has impounded, now that no one with a functioning olfactory system will willingly spend time aboard them. Senior commanders briefly entertained the idea of scuttling the craft offshore, perhaps to augment the formation of coral reefs, but dismissed it upon realizing the adverse ramifications of exposing marine ecosystems to the virulent, pestilential materials still embedded in the vessels.
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