• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Glossary

  Glossary Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Expectations

  Expectations It never goes over very well.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Old Guy

  Old Guy People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Old Guy

  Old Guy "The tip's for carding me," he said. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Concern

  Concern With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Bedside

  Bedside “Heck,” he continued, “you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Wrong

  Wrong An ambulance! What do you think?!

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Making Amends

  Making Amends “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Friend’s Pregnancy

  Friend’s Pregnancy One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Kitchen Utensil

  Kitchen Utensil The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. It’s a pooper-scooper.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Scooby-Doo

  Scooby-Doo Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  The Walking Dead

  The Walking Dead Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  80s Taught Her

  80s Taught Her If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Work Emails

  Work Emails Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me. Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Confusion

  Confusion My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Bikini Dangers

  Bikini Dangers Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Grandkids Belong

  Grandkids Belong There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Pickle

  Pickle “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?” Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Baseball Glossary

  Baseball Glossary Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time left before afternoon snack, divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, in the New Yorker

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• goodjokes (45)in #funny • 7 years ago

  Language Tapes

  Language Tapes During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

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