When It Gets Toxic, Don’t Be Scared to Walk Away

Hmmm…
When I saw the topic for the contest, my mind travelled far back into some very hurtful personal thoughts.

I sincerely contemplated whether or not to share this, thinking, “Aren’t you saying too much already?” I questioned myself silently. But then I realised how much sharing has helped me heal and recover over the last two years of facing the storm of a wrecked marriage, sickle cell complications, and the loss of a dream job.

Through sharing, I’ve learned what went wrong, what I overlooked, and how others have taken lessons and drawn strength from my story.

Reading the introductory post of what the @therealtalkk community stood for, I knew I was in the right place, where I could let out my emotions.

Today, I can boldly say I’m in a better place than I ever was. Better than staying married to please the fear of “what will people say?”

Here is my take on the topic "Do people really change or do we just start noticing who they really are overtime.. "

From my experience, I’ve come to believe that people don’t really change. Life circumstances may shape us, yes, but at the core, people remain who they are in most cases. Perhaps you didn't see that for several reasons while dealing with them, or they were rolling on a surface level with you.

I live with sickle cell disorder, and where I come from, there’s a particular mindset about marrying or being married to someone with the condition. Many believe we are “too much to handle,” that we die young, among other myths, like we can’t have children. Well, I have two beautiful girls to prove that wrong.

I never allowed my condition to define me, and I wasn’t going to let it define my marriage either.

When I met my ex, he had a matching genotype of AA, and I was relieved. I was honest with him about my health from the start. But he agreed not to tell his kingsmen, and I bowed after lots of pressure. A decision that later taught me one of life's hardest lessons.

The first time he saw me go through a pain crisis, he wept and promised I would never go through that kind of pain alone again.

But one thing I didn’t consider was that I was doing well in my career and having fewer complications at the time. We got married, and when I became pregnant, reality hit hard.

Pregnancy complications worsened my health. I couldn’t support the home like I used to. I had to choose between my health and working while pregnant. Well, I chose the obvious, my health, and he got angry. Then the thoughts came: did he change? Where is the caring fellow I said I do?

But soon I realised that not working meant he had to step up and take responsibilities, and he wasn't ready for that. It was one excuse after the other. Apparently, he enjoyed all I brought to the table. And that was the next blow; I wondered if I had done something wrong for him to have changed overnight. Little did I know, he hadn't changed; I was getting to know the real him.

Leaving my career didn't mean I stopped working altogether; I started side businesses that weren't too taxing and transitioned to online journalism. The difference was apparent in the earnings, though

Still, I made excuses for his increasingly irresponsible behaviour. By the time I got pregnant with our second child, my health had deteriorated further. My joints were damaged due to avascular necrosis, leaving me with excruciating pain and limited mobility.

Three years into the union, we had become complete strangers, roommates at one point, and housemates later.

I think I saw the real him at this point; he wasn't any different from those with that mindset of' I did you a favour by marrying you as a sickle warrior. ' And his family even bit harder because it was after getting married that they got to know my health status. And you know my greatest regret was agreeing with him not to tell them earlier.

Looking back, I realised I had ignored every red flag and given them different meanings instead of accepting them for what they truly were.

When I could no longer provide the same level of support as before, he revealed his true nature; I saw his true colours.

It was apparent he only cared when things were convenient. Meaning he never changed.

I was left to face my pain alone again, and this time it burns more. For an entire year, he knew I went to the hospital regularly but never once asked about my health. It simply wasn’t his concern anymore. We became strangers living under the same roof.

I was practically single in that marriage. What broke me most was his mother’s confession that her son was only with me for the benefits and support he received.

Then one day, he said the cruellest words I’ll never forget:

“You should be forever grateful that I agreed to marry you, a sickle cell warrior. You should thank me for giving you healthy children. I’m not the cause of your health preficaments, blame your parents.”

Those words shattered me. I hated myself for all the reasons that got me there in the first place. I became a shadow of who I was, bitter, broken, and full of regret.

But when he finally abandoned me, I hit rock bottom, and that became the turning point. And when his family made efforts to bring us together, I certainly knew I didn't want that anymore. Even though it's hard to walk away, I would rather do so to stay alive, because I've realised that people don't change at their core.

Looking back now, I’m grateful I took the long walk. Walking away from that toxic marriage was the strength I needed to step into the next, better chapter of my life.