Today is Saturday. Usually on Saturdays I write about my cats. But it’s different today and I’ll try to explain why…
I had plans, but I feel absolutely exhausted and very tired. I tried to hold on as much as I could. I’m tired to try to be optimistic. And not to complain. But there is probably a limit to everything. Moreover, the end of winter - the beginning of spring is always a hard time for the psyche. Despite the fact that there is more daylight, the body has already accumulated a deficit. And this complicates everything else, other things.
This week was a sign of anticipation. Not events - they are the least you want. And waiting for another power outage, another alarm, another message in the news. Another rocket fire. My mother once said: "Waiting and catching up is the worst thing." I didn't understand then. But it seems that now I have "catched" both of these states. It's like a bingo! Black hole!
Blackouts have become the background. Despite the fact that I have an ecoflow and a bunch of battery lamps, it's harder to tolerate than before. Work is a duty that must be performed regardless of the circumstances. Cold is a physical sensation that penetrates deeper than just into the house. It's like it goes inside and settles somewhere under my skin. I feel cold physically and emotionally. I want spring so much. I just desire it! I know it won't get any easier. Or may be a little. But I hope that the reviving nature will share its energy with me. I need it so much... My battery is dead and the available resources are already too few to recharge it... I need the help of the Universe...
Dogs live differently. For them, peace remains peace. It's important for them that I get up, that we go outside, that there is a bowl of food and a little attention. They do not analyze geopolitics and do not track reports. They're just nearby. And that's their strength. Sometimes I manage to "connect" to them and get at least a little serotonin. But it doesn't last long.
I can't get myself together. I'm not talking about productivity - although I used to consider it a measure of my own value. Now the goal is much more modest: to work more or less methodically. Just do the tasks one by one. But even this is too hard for me. Even communication with friends has become a problem. We correspond less and less in messengers. I don't have enough strength. They don’t enough strength either…
Weakness. Constant desire to sleep. I wake up in the morning and feel like I'm already tired. I make plans in the evening, I can't bring myself to start in the morning. Not because I'm lazy. Because the background alarm is constantly working inside. The body lives in threat waiting mode. I go to the kitchen and make a coffee. It’s a real morning feat. I put the coffee pot on the fire and try to sit down right away. My heart is beating quickly, my hands are shaking, I can't relieve my anxiety.
I try to stay calm. But sometimes irritation breaks through. The accumulation of deadlines is annoying. One's own slowness is annoying. The need to keep my face when everything inside is unstable is annoying. And outside, too. A shell fragment flew into my colleague's apartment. Fortunately, his family was in another place and he himself was not injured. But against this background, those tasks that are voiced by my management as important are actually just ridiculous. Should I write an article? Is it necessary? And who needs it?
Preparation for the ECL continues. Slowly. Uneven. Sometimes with pauses. Sometimes with the feeling that I'm trampling on the spot. Deadlines are accumulating even more, tasks are growing, and the forces for their "destruction" are not added. This increases the tension, and the circle closes.
Of course, I'm still continuing. Even if not as I would like. Even without the same speed. But I read, listen, repeat. Sometimes I just open the materials and take at least one small step. And maybe that's enough now. A small step forward is better than nothing. Starting next week, I will go to the city for my work. It's an hour and a half there and the same amount of time - back. I intend to spend this time listening to English-language podcasts. I hope this will help my preparation for the exam.
And again about my psychotherapists - my dogs. They teach me simple things: the day is lived step by step. A walk is just a walk. Food is just food. A caress is just a caress. They don't require me to be super efficient. It's important for them that I'm there. And this distinguishes them from my employer 😂 I recently saw a phrase about work somewhere: "You will be replaced even before your body has time to cool down". It's tough, but it's true.
This week was not productive. But it was overlived. No hysterics. No breakdowns. No surrender. In conditions of cold, blackouts and the expectation of rocket fire, the preservation of functioning is already the result. Not perfect. Not heroic. But real.
I'm still learning to live and work in the new reality. And this reality is, first of all, war. I never thought that what I read in books and saw in movies would once become my real life... it's really strange.. So, I follow the instructions of psychologists... I'm learning to lower the bar of expectations for myself without lowering responsibility. I'm learning to distinguish fatigue from lainess. I'm learning to take weakness as a signal, not as an accusation. And, perhaps, this is my main task now. I'm writing this now and thinking: ah, how well I know the theory! Probably because these postulates are pouring on us from every teapot! But how difficult it is to do all this in practice, when your head says one thing, and your feelings and emotions are about something completely different!
I don't know what the next week will be like. It won't be easy. But I hope to live it with dignity.
I wrote an unusually lot today... Probably it's because I want to get rid of fatigue, apathy, anxiety... Maybe it will help... Or maybe not...