Most times in my prayers, I mostly thank God for helping me to show up, because most days it's hard to get out of bed, it's hard to take a look in the mirror, it's hard to hustle for money to pay the bills.
One month now, I've been very sick and even though the worse days are behind me, it's just hard not to have anxiety: when will the next flare up happen, will be days, weeks or months, what if this flare up has done irreparable damages, why is it worth fighting and showing up everyday? but then I realize that i still find ways to get out of bed and try hard to get better, then I go to bed exhausted, tired (obviously the anemia) and just grateful to have scaled through.
Do I have a lot of things to pray for? Yes, I do, but sometimes I can only give thanks, and just believe in my heart that God knows my sorrows, worries and pain, afterall, he's not a dead God, he listens and knows.
After my only siblings died, I lost hope for many things. I don't do social gatherings anymore, wear fancy clothes or do chitchats and all that. Of course I've had my condition all my life, but fighting and grieving from loss, added to it all and it feels like fighting a running a marathon you never wanted to compete in.
Of course it's hard, I wake up everyday thinking"what if I don't have to fight?". Creating so many "what ifs" situation. What if I was a deadbeat brother, what if I wasn't born with this condition, what if life was entirely different.
This doesn't take away my idea of being grateful, I am constantly grateful all the time, but I've lost a lot in life, so much that sometimes I wish something happened differently and changed all this fate. Perhaps it's too much "happily ever after" movies, perhaps maybe it's because reality is difficult and hard to accept and face, sometimes maybe it's just a combination of everything.
This may have been the worst I've ever been in, considering everything: doing life rightly, taking meds and diet strictly and still everything goes wrongly. However, I vent but have faith as well, venting doesn't stop me from having faith.
Keep that faith, sometimes it's all we have when things get really rough. You've been through way too much in the last few years and now this compounding on top of it. Many would have already given up and consigned themselves to die. It's great that you are striving to get stronger and feel better. The anxiety I get all too well and fight it daily for the same reasons. It's really more of matter of time than what if? But we have to keep on striving to survive, and I admire your courage to keep pushing forward despite all that's happened recently!
Well the family is there, gotta take care of them, can't give up now when they're there, depending on you, and can't let them down by choosing to pack it up and give in to the anxiety and pain.
I guess that's the biggest motivation. Thanks a lot, today was definitely better than yesterday.
I love that you are grateful regardless.
It's easy to trust God and worry or think about many things because we are only but humans . But in everything , just stick with giving him thanks always , he knows your pain, he won't leave you nor forsake his own!
Yes, trusting in God above everything
I am really sorry to hear you're facing such a tough time right now mate.
Despite being atheist, I am in awe of the strength of your faith.
Instead of thanking God, I'd be cursing and blaming him, looking for an avenue to release my anger and suffering.
You've done so well and come so far.
Keep going, in your own time, in your own rhythm.
Best wishes tonyou and your loved ones always.
Yeah, well I get angry sometimes, but I know the source of my problems and it's man-made, I try not to blame God and all, but pray and ask for his mercies and love and help to continue through the difficulties of my life..
Thank you so much for the kind words.
It sucks to hear that the illness hasn't gone away, but I am sure you will recover soon enough. I hope that everything is resolved soon on the good end.
Thanks for constantly checking up, the cells and the blood cells seems to take longer to experience repair, so it's a longer road.
I kinda get you, when I did surgeries and still nothing changed I used to go sleep and ask myself why should I keep going... And even me I'm always in danger to get everything back, can be tomorrow, in a month, a year, 5 years, who knows, it sucks and yes I also have my what if moments
I don't know what it means lose a siblings, that must be really painful to go through, you are really strong
It's horrible to do thing right and the thing you cannot control just makes all the difference. It all became one hell of an painful addition to my already preexisting conditions when I lost my only sibling.
My what if moments ends up in sadness and anger, sometimes I use work to occupy myself, but too bad, I can't even work as much because I'm sick
Right, both can co-exist and sometimes it's a constant back and forth between gratefulness and what ifs. Keep the determination to keep fighting and prayerfully everything will get better over time, eventually :)
Thank you, it's been a terrible experience so far, but I'm pushing
I can only imagine how you feel, I don't have much to say than to allow God himself speak to you, if possible I will advise you you get your Bible and study about Joseph the son of Jacob who was sold to out by his own brothers, and he was imprisoned for what he didn't do but despite all this he was hopeful, he believed that tomorrow will be better than today.
Please I endear you to make out time and study about Joseph you will find comfort in his story.
God is your strength.
Thank you for your kind words
Your most welcome
It's in the infinite mercy of God that you are alive till date, although life has dealt you hard ball but what can we do, in all conditions we just have to keep giving thanks, miracle still happens you know.
Thank you
You are welcome sir
Ideally, Life itself is not an easy one... I actually believe you will recover soonest.. Everyone, has its experience to witness and definitely, we will keep pushing it, even when things are choking and difficult..
Thank you
That part where you still pull yourself out of bed even with the anemia really hit me. Naming the fear of the next relapse doesn't make you weaker, it shows you're honest and still choosing faith. Grief can shrink the world, yet your words make a small space to breathe. On the rough mornings, is there one tiny thing that helps you start, like a short prayer or a warm cup of tea?
Nothing help, you just gotta motivate yourself to just continue
I hear you. When motivation won’t show up, sometimes it’s just one tiny move then another. What’s the smallest thing that helps you start, even if it’s just sitting up and taking a slow sip of water? If ideas feel heavy, I can just listen, what feels hardest right now?
We are here with you. It lightens our hearts to hear you are improving. We pray with you that your burden will be lifted and you have the strength to carry on.
I hear the strength in your words, even through the struggle, and it’s clear how deeply you keep holding on despite everything. It’s okay to feel exhausted and wish for a different story—you’re carrying so much, yet you haven’t stopped nurturing faith and gratitude. That in itself shows how resilient and courageous you truly are.