So, I'd like to pick a few brains on this one, as I'm not sure about anything. Clothing is not my thing. Until recently, I was in the "wear whatever you want"-corner. The more I think about values and social structures, this particular subject is becoming blurry to me, not at all black and white anymore. And it's getting worse being a full time father now (and I thought I had everything figured out...). Maybe some of you can help with input towards my arguments.
A mixed case
Lily is frequently getting new and used clothes (especially from her mom & family), and some of them are not something I would pick for a child. Quite a few are actually things that I stash away immediately - explaining, of course, to Lily, that they're adults clothes and not for children. For example, belly free tops and shirts, trousers that sit low on the waist, shirts with a cleavage - not that there's anything to see, Lily is 6 years old. But it's a matter of principle, which I will try to explain now.
I have two main concerns:
1. Sexualization
I know the argument about empowerment, but for me, it's still more sexualization than liberation. Especially when it's a child. Children play hard, get dirty, fall, scratch and all that - they don't need pretty clothes, they need practical clothes. They do have a desire to be pretty sometimes, but pretty, not sexy. The hyper-sexualized environment we're in with publicity blasting from all sides is already enough, I should not enforce that, but rather try to mitigate the effects of it.
2. Adultilization
That's the case of a friend of mine. Her daughter is 14 years old now, and playing adult way more than to be expected at that age. Since my friend had taken her daughter to a lot of events with her (adult) friends from early on, the psychologist said that the high exposure to adult-life and low exposure to child-life (the kid didn't have many play-dates or things like that) caused the unconscious wish to become an adult a lot earlier, copying as well clothing styles that I myself consider inappropriate for the age, as they lead to older men hitting on her - which the girl, in her childish innocence, doesn't really understand. On top, it also reinforced a kind of inferiority complex, as she always compared herself to adult women on one hand, and magazine "women" on the other hand. Her self-perception is totally out of line, as is her self-esteem.
Put my clothing where my mouth is
I'm live what I preach. Clothes have to be practical. Even when I want to dress up like on the weekend, the clothing serves exactly that purpose, they're practical for that. I do know how to dress for special events, too, how to behave, how to pretend - keyword manners. I'm a little extreme, I admit - almost all of my socks have holes in them, I just turn them around and use them upside down until they have holes on both sides. That comes from contact with scarcity trauma. As mentioned, I do have nice clothes as well, but of those I take extra care.
I know that neither of the girls is wanting the result that they get. But I try to preserve at least my child's innocence as much as I can. I don't want her to compare herself to women, I wish she wouldn't even compare herself to children - but that's inevitable. At least it would be the same age, and considering the children she hangs out with, I'm not very concerned for now.
Instead of empowering her to do whatever she wants whenever she wants, I would like her to be empowered enough to not care about superficial things like looks and clothing. Again, inevitable, but shouldn't I at least try to influence that a little?
What would you do?
It would be great to get some feedback from the community. You don't have to be a parent to comment and have an opinion, but please, put in some arguments why you would be in favor or against girls and adolescents dressing themselves however they want. Doesn't have to be an essay, but maybe your main argument, or two. Thank you for your help!
Some bullet points to consider (I did not work out all the arguments here in this post):
Empowerment
Culture
Machismo (We live in Ecuador)
Liberty
Expression of self
Rules & Limits
Self-Esteem
Sexualization
Sex Crimes
The dress we wear gives the very first impression of our personality or who we are, and decent clothing is very much necessary for adolescents earning them self respect. Otherwise the society is always full of evil - its easy to earn their attention, by dressing wicked.
That's a good point. Clothing shows self-respect in a way, and then helps to get respect, that then helps to maintain the self-respect. Thank you for that input!
With our daughter, she has a range of clothes, but nothing that I would consider sexual. Though, there is plenty of that out on the streets here, even for eight year olds. The fast fashion stores are full of it. We keep it practical for our daughter, and she generally makes practical decisions about what she wears, depending on what she is doing.
I was a kid who "grew up" faster than some, but it wasn't based on clothes, it was the experiences and discussions I had, and even as a kid, liked to talk with adults more than kids my age. The discussions were better, less shallow, and I got to learn.
But when it comes to clothes...
I like clothes and it annoys me I don't have anything nice I like to wear. Many say "clothes don't matter" but they do - put on a suit and a man stands straighter. A woman would feel uncomfortable wearing old and torn underwear to a wedding under a nice dress, even if no one would see it. We change our posture end feelings even if no one else sees us.
Doesn't it depend on circumstances? Should we judge people on how they speak? Well, perhaps if we are in a movie theatre and they are talking on the phone loudly, that is not the time and place for their voice - it speaks to their judgement and awareness and care for those around them, right?
For my daughter, I don't want her to obsess about clothing, but I do hope she recognises that clothing is also an influencing factor in society. It will influence her, and it will influence others. Maybe if someone "doesn't care" about what they wear, they are also saying that they are self-absorbed and don't recognise how they influence others?
And I am pretty sure we are all influenced by what others wear - right?
Thank you for taking the time! It helped me to get a few things clearer. Even though Lily should be free to choose, she is not. She's influenced by many factors, and developing her own taste in clothing on those influences. The thing is that in her innocence she can't fathom the effects of her choices (yet). So, as in many ways, I do have to throw my own influence into the ring and guide her, trying to explain as much as I can. How to explain those things is another question.
It's a mix of circumstances. I'm trying to avoid some of those circumstances that fell onto my friend's daughter, hence my question. The clothes are just a symptom.
That's another of concerns there. I would like Lily to be able to recognize circumstances that she's in, and adapt to a certain point to other cultures/value sets - without feeling like giving away freedom. For me, being able to do that, to be respectful, is a better empowerment than doing as she pleases, without consideration.
Judging - I try to judge only after consideration of circumstances. If I have to. I don't like to judge beyond the instinctual judgement, so I'm trying to un-learn it.
Again, thank you for taking the time.
Okay.... this post gave me a lot to think about, even though I don't have any parenting experience myself. But I do have younger siblings, and I see how much they copy what they see, sometimes without fully understanding it. It really made me reflect on how much influence adults have, just by being present.
I completely agree that children shouldn't be dressed in ways that look sexy. It's not just fashion choice - it can attract the wrong kind of attention from people with evil intentions. There are people out there who will interpret the most innocent things in disturbing ways.
I also don't think anyone should be judged solely on what they wear, especially adults. Context matters. Everyone has a reason for the way they present themselves, and clothing can be a form of identity, culture. But when it comes to kids, it's different. They don't fully understand those layers yet, so it's up to the adults to help them grow into that awareness.
You're doing a great job guiding Lily, not by controlling her, but by giving her reasons and helping her understand..
It's very complicated for me. As you'll see in the next post, I kind of have it figured out in my mind now - but the application to real-life is very difficult.
The thing that I found most interesting is the realization that everything we do has an effect on our environment. We're the butterfly, depending on how good we are at understanding and "playing" our environment, we either cause a tornado or a cozy breeze.
Thanks for stopping by and reading!
During adolescence, everything you wear is associated to personality. I really think before and after that period, it doesn't really matter what you wear.
It's more about what you do.
Yes, but if I let her wear now what the other side gives her, she would get used to it. And then she might go even more extreme in puberty, with consequences. Seeing that puberty of my friend's daughter is really giving me a lot to think, about what comes form what :-D
Correct, so choose for her until she gets to puberty. Societal pressure is huge.
Absolutely. The good thing is, she's going to a Waldorf school, and they do focus on the development of the individual in a social context at that age, not so much on learning to read and write as they'll learn that anyway.